Remembrance

Remembrance for my father. December 2004.

Every year i get emotional and tend to write little ramblings of how i feel.

this year i wrote: 

If
only you were here, daddy.  

If
only you were here,

our
family would be whole.

If
only you were here,

you
could see the lives we live.

If
only you were here,

you
would know the joy of a grandson.

If
only you were here,

my
heart wouldn’t ache.

 Back in December 2010 i wrote:

As I look at the date. The anniversary is coming closer. I start to get numb. My eyes water over. I wait to feel them set free from the containment of my tear duct. Six years. Along time. But not long enough to erase the sadness. Its true, time does help, it does ease most of the pain. It does not eliminate it. I don't cry every time I hear the song 'Turn the Page'. I don't even tear up when a gloomy day comes along and reminds me of him. I can even look at his picture and smile. Think good times and not automatically feel lost, the way that I once had. At least i did have it better than most. We all knew he could go at anytime. Cancer does that. He started getting better, stronger. Everyone started to let their guard down. The sky was clearing, no doom on the horizon. I was 5 months pregnant. How I don't remember much about the pregnancy. I remember that night perfectly. We was laying in bed, my husband and  I.  We received a call from momma, telling us to get to the hospital. She wouldn't tell me anything. The ride took forever. Not knowing. Sure he wasn't okay, if he was, she would have said so. If he was okay, he wouldn't be in the hospital. Numb. The feeling I grew to know very well.  I wanted to break down, I wanted to cry. I did break down. I did cry. I had to be strong, if not for myself, or my family, I had to be strong for the little life inside of me. An auto accident. That's what took him away from us. A big truck not knowing the route he was taking.  Not knowing or paying attention to his speed, or the stop sign coming off of the interstate. How one accident can change lives. Can leave people without the ones they love. Can leave chaos and havoc. Still to this day I think what it would have been like if he was around. If things would be different then what they are. Still to have him hug every time we see each other. Still to hear his voice tell me he loves me. Talk about books, or his bad habits. Or say nothing at all and just sit outside in the rain. Oh how I do miss him.  I  wish he was around to see his grandson. I wish that I don't have to explain who my daddy was when my son picks up a picture and ask "who's this momma". Someone to step in and tell me and momma to get along and stop fighting. He was the key holding the family together. He was my everything. Dads tend to be that way to 'daddy's little girl'. 

Just wanted to post about him. Will be back to regular craft talk in a few days with pictures of the sweater and a new crocheted hat.

Every one have a safe week and week end a head in this crazy crazy world.

~hazel~crochetamommy